Kwame Brown, the Gift That Keeps on Giving

Apparently Kwame Brown is the greatest big man coach of all-time. Despite his lack of production and consideration as one of the all-time great draft busts, he taught Andrew Bynum everything he knows. Kwame Brown also believes he is one of the all-time great post defenders. Because Bynum learned how to score on Kwame, he learned how to score on anybody. This piece of fact based basketball history means that Kwame Brown could have easily replaced Bill Russell on all of those championship Boston Celtics teams.

Frequent teabagging is another Kwame skill

Here are the contributions that Kwame has made to basketball:

1. In the running for worst #1 overall pick in NBA history. Right up there with Michael Olowokandi, Pervis Ellison, and Joe Smith.
2. Brought two championships to the Los Angeles Lakers franchise when he was involved in one of the worst trades in NBA history that netted the Lakers Pau Gasol aka the Spanish Metrosexual.
3. Became the cake robber in NBA history when he threw some strangers birthday cake at Ronny Turiaf.
4. Now we can add taught Andrew Bynum everything in the world, including the importance of showering with socks on.

I love Kwame Brown for being the greatest person in the history of the National Basketball Association

Thanks For the Run Furd

Now that Andrew Luck will be taking his talents and incredible neckbeard to the NFL, college football fans can say bye-bye to Stanford as a college football power. Jim Harbaugh did a lot to transform an otherwise boring school filled with literally thousands of the ugliest people in the world into one of the most physical and disciplined football teams in the country. The biggest reason why Stanford will slide back into their typical pattern of mediocrity and regular role as conference doormat is because David Shaw is no Jim Harbaugh. Sure some pimple faced Stanford programmer will scoff at this notion because it is too small of a sample size to judge Shaw as coach. He did lead them to a BCS bowl game after all right? Well, wrong. To me David Shaw = Jim Caldwell. He's a puppet on the sidelines trying to stay out of the way of his superstar quarterback. What happened to Jim Caldwell when he lost one of the all-time greatest quarterbacks in football history to injury? 2-14 is what happened. Thirteen consecutive losses is what happened. Blowing up the front office is what happened. Winning the "Suck for Luck" sweepstakes is what happened.

AP - Amazing neckbeard = Amazing Quarterback

The most logical comparison that can possibly be made to Luck's departure would be the impact of John Elway leaving. Makes sense right? Well, John Elway's Stanford teams sucked balls. They never made a bowl game and they never beat Cal.Clearly that wasn't Elway's fault as he ultimately became a College Football Hall of Famer. The best comparison is actually one that I already mentioned. Look at what happens when you lose a coach considered one of the best in the game. The Indianapolis Colts lost Tony Dungy to retirement. The Stanford Cardinal lost Jim Harbaugh to the NFL. Dungy had a track record of success in Tampa Bay but didn't win a championship until he paired up with an all-time great quarterback in Peyton Manning. Harbaugh turned USD football into a FCS power before transforming Stanford Cardinal Football from laughingstock to national power. What happened after Dungy retired? The Colts remained successful for the short term utilizing the same system that was already in place. The mission: let Peyton be Peyton and ride his arm to victories. Peyton even led his favored Colts to the Super Bowl before losing to America's team the New Orleans Saints. Now lets look at Stanford Cardinal Football with Andrew Luck. Jim Harbaugh led a Stanford Cardinal Football renaissance with Heisman Runner-ups Toby Gerhart and Andrew Luck. Here is the trend in wins Stanford had each year under Harbaugh: 4, 5, 8, 12. This season Stanford won 11 behind Luck and should have won 12 if their kicker didn't choke.

LA Times - Kickers are not athletes

What does this all mean? I have no faith in David Shaw's ability to continuing the type of success at Stanford that he enjoyed this season. Unless Brett Nottingham, Evan Crower, Josh Nunes, or whoever ends up winning the starting job is Andrew Luck 2.0, this team will be lucky to win half as many games in 2012 as they did in 2011. Thanks for the past few years Stanford. You represented the Pac-10/12 Conference well. Maybe you can find the next Jim Harbaugh sooner rather than later.

This is as good as it gets at Stanford

Dont' Blow it Cal...Jeff Tedford is the Hot Chick

California Golden Bears Football has a serious problem. They think their program is a ten. At least a solid eight. In all honesty, it's a five. Let me explain. If you had to apply a numerical value to "hotness" of a football program, USC would be a nine (ten without sanctions), Texas would be a ten, Alabama would be an eight, Notre Dame would be a seven, Penn State would be a two, and LSU would be a ten. You may be asking, "how is Alabama an eight"? Crazy ass Bama fans with crazy ass Bama bangs make that job impossible for just about anybody not named Saban, thus the two point deduction.

Yes, Cal is the skinny dude on the left and Tedford is the hot blonde with  D-Cups

Cal fans think their program is no worse than a solid eight. That means if they were date a new female (hire a new coach), they would go no lower than a solid eight. This is where Cal fans are out of their damn minds. The only reason Cal Football is relevant is because of the fact that Jeff Tedford made them relevant. Cal Football was a two before they started "dating" an eight in Jeff Tedford. Here's the problem with firing Jeff Tedford...Cal  Football is at their absolute dating apex. They will not do better than Jeff Tedford. They will not date a hotter chick than Jeff Tedford. They can only do worse. Their delusions of grandeur make them believe that there is another eight out there waiting to date them. Cal fans couldn't be more wrong. Lets look at some historical information pre-Tedford and post-Tedford.

Pre-Tedford
Record twenty-five seasons prior to Tedford: 104-161
Winning Percentage: 39.2%
Bowl Record : 3-2
Rose Bowl Appearances: 0

Tedford Era
Record: 79-48
Winning Percentage: 62.2%
Bowl Appearances: 5-3
Rose Bowl Appearances: 0

Looking at the track record under Tedford, they should erect a statue of the man outside of the newly renovated Memorial Stadium. He has nearly doubled the winning percentage and bowl appearances in fifteen fewer seasons. Firing Tedford would be the equivalent of dumping your hot girlfriend because she doesn't like that you leave your dirty underwear laying around the house. Cal Football is far better off dating Tedford than breaking up with him and settling for some fat sloppy chick that will never meet the standards of your previous relationship.

Good Luck Jim Mora Jr

UCLA Bruins Football has been a laughing stock since the Cade McNown era. Sure they had that weird 10 win 2005 season under Karl Dorrell with Drew Olson at quarterback when MJD (then Maurice Drew) went wild on special teams and catching swing passes out of the backfield. Nobody considers that team elite. They haven't been elite since 1998. Jim Mora Jr is coming on-board with the hopes that he will be the football coach who can finally transform UCLA Football into what it should be.

Wikipedia - Royce Hall at Night

Located in Westwood, there are few college experiences that can rival UCLA: beautiful campus, warm weather, entertainment center of the universe, minutes from the best beaches in Southern California, oh and beautiful women.

Sports Illustrated - UCLA Cheerleaders have serious talent

But, for whatever reason, UCLA Football has never really sustained any consistent greatness. There was the Terry Donaue era which is generally considered the modern era high water mark: consistent bowl game appearances, occasional Rose Bowl victories, and regular victories over cross-town rival USC. Despite the fact that football programs across the country generate >100% of revenue for many athletic departments, UCLA Football is treated like a second tier sport. Their facilities are subpar (trust me the media reports are not exaggerated, I worked in the UCLA Athletics Department for two years while a student...the football facilities may be worse than those found at Mater Dei High School). The administration appears more concerned with funding their Olympic sports programs rather than their revenue generating programs.

Ridiculous traditions like the seniors going over-the-wall have gotten pub for being examples of UCLA not taking football seriously. Going over-the-wall is not the problem. The problems run much deeper. Recruiting spoiled football players like Taylor Embree, Brian Poli-Dixon, and Corey Paus. A lack of discipline that has resulted in embarassing moments like freshman stealing laptops, All-Americans parking in handicapped spots, and on-field brawls shown on national television. As the next UCLA Bruins Head Football Coach, Jim Mora Jr will be tasked with creating an environment of accountability. Terry Donahue couldn't stay long enough, Bob Toledo ignored it, Karl Dorrell tried, Rick Neuheisal failed. Mora is starting off by saying the right things. He comes with an impressive NFL pedigree. He has hired ace recruiters, highly regarded coordinators, and position coaches with tons of NFL experience. But like most UCLA Football seasons, its not how you start but how you finish. Mora Jr needs to shift the paradigm at UCLA. Changing the culture to one of accountability, responsibility, and winning. The coach can't do it all by himself, but change comes from within. Maybe he can demonstrate the type of leadership that is missing at UCLA. Maybe Dan Guerrero will learn from Mora Jr what it means to put a winning product on the field. If Mora Jr can't get it done, then there will always be some other sucker who thinks they can come in and transform UCLA Football into what it "should" be.

Happy Birthday Theo Epstein

Theo Esptein turns 38 today. As the youngest GM in the history of Major League Baseball, he helped build the Boston Red Sox into a team that went from lovable losers to douchebag two-time champs. Now he gets to see if he can turn the Chicago Cubs into champions. Happy birthday Theo, you've accomplished more in your first 38 years of life than most humans accomplish in an entire lifetime.